Metal Detectors

It suddenly occurred to me that I could be a serial shop lifter, and no one would ever know!

I had to stop by the drug store on the way home to pick up a couple sundry items. The line for the cash register was long and filled with single mothers balancing pampers and similac in one hand and their unruly children in the other. Needless to say, I had plenty of time to observe what was going on: people doing their regular shopping, German tourist picking out toothpaste, and dozens of people quietly and peacefully coming and going.

When I had finally completed my purchase, I left the store only to be met with a fanfare of bells and flashing lights; for some reason I had set off the metal detector.

This happens to me A LOT. It’s almost a weekly occurrence.

What happened afterward is the same thing that happens every time. I stop, look around for the nearest store employee. When we make eye-contact they will either shake their head or motion with their hand that I should just go and not worry about it. EVERY TIME THIS HAPPENS. Not once has someone come up to check in my bag or ask to see my receipt.

I must have one of those faces that people just trust. Well, not for much longer. Let the wild rumpus start …

Posted on November 3, 2009 with 2 notes

Don't you judge me!

Tonight I went to my favorite bodega and bought a Bud Light tall-boy with the winnings from the lottery ticket I purchased last Tuesday.

Luckily, I had enough change to buy yet another lottery ticket with the hopes that this cycle continues forever.

Posted on November 2, 2009 with 3 notes

Noxeema Jackson: “Why do I feel like I’m in the Tournament of Roses Parade?”
Chi-chi Rodriguez: “‘Cause you’re as big as a float”
Noxeema Jackson: “Your mother”